I AM FEELING SO FXXXX UP... SO SAD WITHIN ME NW.. i oso duno y.

Y would it so pain for me ...even painful den my brk up with my ex ar? Arghhhhhh I hated dis feelin..I wanna vent it all out..even go club, drink oso no use this time. Even my nice frens offered bring me go nice place to chill @ 4am - Henderson Waves.. it sorta made me emo and reali felt like leavin SG to go find Serene or wad..quit my job and all..but my study loan had to pay lo..I cant go lidat...! =(

I still on off sms him2 - and surprisingly he dint scold me or stop sms..I jus said - gd morn take care - he replied U too..well better den dun hav rite? Ya ya will try dun sms him!

Den ard noon..he sms me he sent GQ to clinic cos he gt an acute pain on his bac...and could tell he suffering like mad..and he told me he den sent him hm - he on 2 daes mc..and best part - He told me he dun hate GQ liao seein his condition lidat.. I jus replied gd to hear dat and ask him take care while workin at site. Den i told him I very stressed over work and studies.. I needa a JIA YOU sms frm him- if he nt ok its fine..he reali sent me a sms - Press On JEN.. ok la be it he did it for the sake i askin him or wad..@ least he bothered and i shld feel contented. I told him I wanna a HUGS sms but tinking he might find it weird so I abolished the tot. He dint reply le...........haiz. I told him2 i mus treat GQ even sweeter and better cos he seemed so ke lian! He oso no reply! I guess he would nt hav reason to be jealous anymore..somemore i weepin nw !!! Haiz.

Hope GQ can recover soon.

Saw him2 fb post shoutout - OMG I GETTIN MARRIED IN 29 DAES.. WOOHOO and seein many comments to congrat him.. I felt so so... =( I could nt even as a fren write on his wall to wish him..would he scold me? Shld i get his permission to do so ? Seriously I tink he totali nt affected by the 1 yr + and jus short term feelings for me..wadever he feelin nw..I reali happy for him and wished him the best..to me is damn painful n dreadful.. And i tink he so gonna njoy his honeymoon in Switzerland ( accordin to wad he wrote some places) - my assumption only! He would forget me totali...mayb cos of work den no choice gt to ACT friendly wif me..whether i tinkin too much or misunderstood him oso nt impt..I nvr expect it b so drama - gg thru this lousy period when the person u liked or used to like is gonna be other ppl's hb. Ya we were nt meant to be in the 1st place..but YESH I HAV FEELINGS AND ITS NORM! Jus once in awhile tink bac the gd memories will be gd ba..mayb i oso bz den will forget him gradually. I reali feel sooooooooooooooo
UPSET NT COS THE BRIDE NT ME..ITS COS Y MUS WE START 1 YR AGO AND WE CANT CONTINUE TO BE LIKE LAST TIME?!

I seriously tink he nvr liked me @ all..like this I would feel so much better........he get on with his life..i will struggle wif mine. Ya todae UOB bank gt bac to me and said they wld be processin my loan - only up to $5100 if its approved. I still short of another $600+..I tink i will apply another fast cash or wad..dun wanna let my dad worry! I rather suffer myself. Dat dae i jus zzz till nxt dae w/o takin dinner cos v v upset over alot of things! Fannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

By Mon, I would noe the results..I hav tried HSBC..duno y nvr get bac, nw only can count on dis, POSB and UOB..wish me luck..if nt i tink i reali duno wad to do.. recently my besties duno wad happened all took turns to run into some probs..hope they b ok soon!

Ya Serene sis comin bac tomoro - yeah~ though it seemed like wrong timing and all..I would try my best to mit her and b less EMO cos needa helped her with her weddin stuffs..she hardly come bac lo.

Sianz..todae received news dat i may need to make lotsa passes like last proj..worked dae n nite..but nw i still hav to cope wif my studies..I oso duno hw long i can tahan! With all dis I'm facin nw............hopefully weekend nt burnt! Dec exams so mus faster settle loan n study le..EMO comes after exams ba..he oso wont miss me at all..so the more i mus b pretty, healthy and showed him i can move on w/o him! I tot I would be strong but undergg all dis nw..its reali a nutty challenge lo =( Sobz. Liking some1 is wantin him to b happy..crap drama lines rite..in reality hw many ppl can do dis ar?

Ya no matter hw..lookin fwd to see his weddin fotos on fb..mus b v gd turnout..u can say i siao but i jus wanna see. Somehw or rather..his future wife considered xingfu to hav him cos he still rational !!

I JUS WAN SHOUT HERE :
HIM2 I REALI MISS U ALOT ALOT...............................there is no turning pt le..wish U the best!
hope i wont blog abt him soon as time goes by!
waiting for u to say ur tots but i noe it wont happen...well.. leave it as a gd closure ba..cos noein the ugly truth, i may/ may nt take it any longer!

2 wks jus passed lidat..I am still tryin to get used no more rs with him. I tot i am able to be strong..who noes I break dwn again..nt partly cos of him le...my stupid study loan had been rejected again. I have tried all possible banks in SG, nw waiting...haiz...even wad fast loans etc.. I REALI FELT SO DOWN DUNO WAD I WANNA DO..I AM NT AS STRONG AS I SEEM...though i slowly got used gg to class alone and takin train bac. Work recently is hell lo..so many workers being hired to rush up the job at site..i gt many passes to do oso..those permit bk i ordered seemed nt enugh FOREVER!!!! =( I still hav to go hm read my tb, do assignments..reali duno hw long i can hang in thea. Dec my exams and my loan nt yet settled. I reali felt like givin up, very tiring~ Tot wana clear up all dis..i rather take no pay leave in dec to rest my brains....oso i hated dec coming..cos cant help tinkin him2 big dae sobz. Hopefully Serene sis bac this sat, i wont b too emo and able to divert frm all dis..needa help her with her weddin dinner prep! Nt ez for me i hav to help and lend listening ear to others when i nt in gd mood myself..but as long as they need me , i be thea. Trish and Serene - jia you k! Thanks Trish for ur cute plushie - Mr Pirate. I will hao hao hug in office de.

On 28 Oct, my hp rang and to my shock saw him2 name appearin on my hp. Hesitated awhile to ans cos i mus sound i am ok. I noe it mus be work lor. Ya when i said Hello - he tried to sound norm and told me he bringing workers over..den when he came..i forced myself to giv a brave frnt dat i am so bz wif work, cant talk much with him. His walkie talkie callin him and as usual he needed to go off. He dint bring enugh docus so he went bac to take. And very fast he came bac with all. We dun dare hav alot eye contact. After dat, he got many things to ask me - so he called me like 6 times in 1 dae.. i nvr tink so much le..dun feel gd @ all. Even his sms nw oso simple like ok thanks, thanks alot, coming ltr..etc.. I tried tellin him if he bz to come by, he can send a rep, but he said he would come but bz...We tried to tok norm - i asked v bz nw rite..rushin job and all..he said ya he overseein 4 projs in diff yard..running here n thea..on off we dared nt see each other !! I reali hope to noe wad he is tinking..but wads the pt..no outcome..i wont feel happier oso. Even he told me ya he liked me but cos time nt rite...haiz....i dun wish hear dis..I jus feel like hugging him dats all. He looked v tired too. Had an impulse wanna sms him to hug him..I dint la..he may scold me oso! Or dun wan reply. But I sent him a gd morn sms and hav a gd dae - he jus replied U too..haiz.. dreaded this ! I tot in this 1mth plus i wont see and hear of him..who noes!!! I oso duno is it cos of work he had to b norm or he totali nt affected at all..arghhhhh!
#%#$^$&%*&p;(*)((_)_*1234$^%#%@%#^%*^5.. i so wanna shout it all out la! Fed up with my life nw! =( I dint noe i reali will LIKE HIM..Fxxxx! But i dun regret! Once i hav this rs with him..i no regrets at least its nt a one sided affair. Dun care hw ppl deem him as..its oso my fault anyway! Duno y my 8yrs + rs ended i oso nt so affected! Even hearin my ex married oso dun feel much...jus felt dat fate liked to play prank on me.

On 30 Oct noon he came...i reali felt like cryin..controlling my tears b4 him...v stressed at work oso. After he left..i went straight for the LADIES wantin to cry out. I was shocked to see him in his pickup stoning and lookin @ my office. I kinda wanna walked over like last time to talk to him or jus see him for few mins..I hesitated and walked to the LADIES instead. The door behind gt siren when i left it ajar(no choice i oredi try walk quietly)...he heard and looked @ me frm his bac mirror..i quickly walked off. Sitting on the toilet bowl and wanna wait for him to go..but i dint hear any engine le..so no choice i came out to see whether he still thea..He saw me walkin bac..den i stood thea awhile..he in his pickup nt doin anything..I walked in my office and heard the pickup finally going off.

I dun wish tink so much..cos i tink it wont affect him anywae..he wont feel wadever pain i gg thru..the hellish situation I am in.. as long as my loan nt approved..I oso v hard to focus at my studies. I dun even wan believe he reali liked me and - buried my feelings and treat me norm like a fren.

Dun tell me mus reali rob bank or borrow loansharks? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Cant help seein him le and sent him sms..told him no need be awkward or wad as we can still b close frens at work. We are doin gd ..on my part i am at least tryin my best..jus dun ming bai y would i like him so much..mayb its a novelty feelin i get frm him after my ex..and we nt frm v close frens to slowly develop feelings. I told him its up to him..at least when facing me..be himself and i be professional at work. Of cos he dint reply. But noon he sms me GQ complained abt him again abt work..both of them so funny came rite after another to take rigger vests frm me. Him2 came 1st..den GQ lo..he even tried to hold my hand all of a sudden cos both our hands on my MOUSE and touched my shoulder askin me am i ok..i looked damn sad. Him2 told me dun giv anythin to GQ but i oredi did..he jus said ok..he knew wad to do and nvr update me like last time..i tink he treats me as fren as in norm fren but i guess..he can dun tell me abt GQ if he dun wish me to show concern *contradictin*.. I noe he is rational!

Anyway i told him i wont sms abt this anymore after oct..dat dae jus nice end of the mth and he actuali dint sms and scold me..phew! Mayb he wans hear my tots or wan laugh at my sms as in hw stupid i am if he is jus playin with me! I tink lidat will feel better) Even he came bac again, we dint say much too. But this time b4 he left..he looked @ me and i happened to jia jia look away. Haiz. He said he be bac but he dint..Nt ez for me..i duno abt him though! He oso wont show out. Told him we had oredi overcome dat stage where we hav doubts abt our rs till nw..I oso wanna him be happy and be his gd hb...I will try move on..very difficult for me..esp this study loan wearing me out. Reali no mood at work and forcin myself to b cheerful and jus do my work. Times up jus go class or do ot to bury myself at work. This time round, i reali no confidence in all dis i am facing..can i jus leave here for the time being? Whether we can b gd frens..i oso no confidence..y humans mus hav feelings..You may tink y i still lingering on..eh its nt mths its 1 yr plus ding dong here n thea rs..I have let go of this unreciprocable rs but feelings for him need time to fade away! When I am wif him..i wanna let go..when i let go..i so LOST and tryin and keep forcin myself to move ON Hw HW Hw..Y Y Y..v fan le..=X I mus try to walk out of dis on my own..reali drama ..I HATE IT..!

I hope tomoro banks can giv me gd news...i am reali SIAN and loss..all banks i hav tried! =X Recently v tired, using com at hm be it msn or fb, i can jus doze off and woke up at 3 to 4am...haiz..den i will over zzz and late for work!

Hope my nxt entry will hav some positive ones.Wish me luck! While bloggin this , i am weepin..I supposedly do ot clear my passes..but receivin mail frm sch, dampened my mood totali and took a cab bac..cried.. ! I dun look fwd to yr 2010 at all..cos same old story..if i can get to study..fussing over my work n studies as usual..for nw i reali tired of rs..if i can get my SQ hat in time..den we shall talk abt this! Ya i am wastin my singlehood as in nt mixin ard makin new frens..reali no mood at all and gave up ..closed my window for nw~

Those who pretended to care for me, i am speechless cos duno head or tail. Humans ugly side.
My dearies who are always thea for me..thanks i appreciated dat. Jus cant help wanna cry all out.